Welp, here we are back at it again. It’s been almost half a decade since I last did a recap and while I’d like to say the show has really progressed over the years, you know grown up a bit, it fortunately, for all of us, has not changed in the slightest. In fact, the most progressive thing the show gave us last night was that it featured THREE Asian contestants and apparently a white Cuban Bachelor.
I would also like to comment on the fact that ABC forced a 3-hour premiere on me as if I have nothing else better to do. And…well….they’re right, I do have nothing else better to do. Like of course I watched the full 3 hours in one sitting and then I watched the 2-hour season premiere of America’s Got Talent afterward #reachforthestars
Anywho, let’s jump into why we’re here – for the recap of last night’s episode where we finally got to meet thirty 23 year olds all vying for a chance to be Captain
Chris Curphey’s Peter Weber’s co-pilot. And, of course, the chance to become a social media star and earn a lifetime of Delta flight benefits– both of which Jack Curphey has been benefitting from for years.
To give you a CliffsNotes version of the 180 minute episode, we met 3 Victoria’s, 3 Flight Attendants, 1 professional clothier, 1 caretaker/vagina waxer (which I’m pretty sure are synonymous with one another), heard 147 airplane puns/jokes, 72 windmill references, plus a girl dressed as a windmill, 1 emotional support cow, and we had the return of 1 Hannah B….yep you read that right….she’s back. Or shall I say…she’s STILL HERE. And actually squatting in the mansion since last May.
A couple of key standouts from the first episode:
Hannah Ann – the model from Tennessee who is the classic first night “mean girl.” Always butting in, interrupting the other women’s time, making sure Peter knows she’s not “normally this aggressive” while simultaneously making out with him after knowing him for 10 seconds. Like, yeah….sure Hannah Ann….this aggression is totally new for you. She also reminds us that she’s not just another dumb model and in fact, she does have some depth to her. She pulls out a painting she
bought off Etsy made and gives it to Peter and then she makes sure to insert some big like transparent, connection and courageous so that we know she’s #notjustanotherprettyface. In the end, her desperation aggression worked and she got the first impression rose.
Kiarra – pops out of suitcase. Chris Harrison: “AAAHH do you think we can cut her up and put her back in there?”
Victoria F. – Miss “Dry sense of humor.” And by “dry sense of humor” does she mean “Dried up sense of humor?” Needless to say as pathetic as her first impression was, mark my word, she’ll be back week after week.
Madison – the foster parent recruiter and former high school basketball star who got the first 1:1 date with Peter. A total frontrunner IMO and almost too normal for the show. Plus, her date included the first hometown visit where she got to meet Peter’s roommates, Peter Sr. and Babs and also watch him speak gringo to his Cuban “aunt.”
Victoria P. – The girl who has never received flowers from a guy before, the girl who has never been cared for before and the girl who has never thrown up in front of a guy before…clearly she and I have had VERY different college experiences.
Eunice – the flight attendant who wore angel wings to “stand out.” Um Eunice not sure you needed the wings to stand out, just not being white is enough to differentiate you.
Kelley/First Group Date – Kelley works as an
admin assistant attorney with her Daddy and her brothers at the family law firm. Speaking of her brothers, did anyone have an instant flashback of Jojo Fletcher’s Winklevoss-esque twin brothers or was that just me?
Kelley has an advantage over the other girls because she had met Peter a few weeks prior when she
stalked met him at his high school reunion. She also scores extra time with him on the first group date by cheating her way through an obstacle course. And, while the girls give her major heat for cheating, to be honest, I can’t blame her for this power move. Because, I mean, have you ever met another Kell(e)y who wasn’t overly competitive, aggressive, or attention seeking? ….I’ll wait 🙂
The Second Group Date and Hannah B – The second group date starts out with a live production of the off-Broadway show “4 Times in a Windmill” starring you guessed it, Hannah B. And of course I have so many thoughts on this matter and to be honest, I really wish she would just go away. Like does ABC not realize they’ve tortured us enough with having her as a weekly fixture on our screens for the past 52 weeks straight?! Like if I have to hear the windmill story again or hear her draw out her BUUUUUUUT’s and UMMMMM’s any longer, I am going to lose my damn mind. Can’t she just be happy with her DWTS mirror ball trophy and 2 Million Instagram followers and leave us alone!
The episode ends with her crying in a back room to Peter trying to convince him that even though he was her third pick, he should have reached out to her when she broke up with Jed. I’m sorry is this like some teenager Jedi mind trick she is trying to pull?? Bai betch.
Meanwhile, while Peter is cozying up with his ex-girlfriend, let’s not forget that the other girls are sitting outside writing down their most embarrassing sex story that will soon be shared with millions of people on national TV.
I can’t WAIT for next week!